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TO MR. JOHN SWAINSTON.
SIR, - You have publicly addressed a letter to me, in which
you state, John, that you do not mean to enter into the
controversy that is "carried on" betwixt Messrs. Hodgson and
Co.and myself, nor do you intend to say which of the parties
are the best Surveyors; but that you will confine yourself
to a simple question at issue - as you term it, a
school-boy's question. Now, John, I agree with you, that it
is a mere school-boy's question, and, therefore, the better
suited to your capacity. You being an entire stranger to me,
John, I can only take your likeness from the features of
your letter; and you are not, therefore, entitled to any
personal feelings on the subject. Whether you are a large
man, John, or a small one, a rich man or a poor one, there
is one thing certain. that you are any thing but a prudent
man, John. You say that I am in a labyrinth, and, that you,
John, would be glad to extricate me. Now, John, from the
apparently ill-natured tone of your letter, I aim inclined
to doubt your sincerity. Can you really lay your hand upon
your heart, generous and vibrating with honest
disinterestedness, and say that 'tis me you consider in a
labyrinth, and whom you wish to extricate? Now, John, it is
necessary I should point out to you how differently you and
I are circumstanced in the case before us. [I have a] large
and valuable Interest to guard and protect [in] the Map of
Westmorland I am preparing for publication. You, John,
cannot deny that I commenced it at a time when it was fairly
open for me to do so without interfering with the private
interest of any man living; nor did any one appear to oppose
me until I had gone so far, that I could not retract without
incurring both loss and disgrace. And if you say, John, that
by my commencing first, I had the first chance with the
public, I must inform you, that my first step was, 'not to
canvas,' but to survey the County. But the Opposition took
advantage of me, John, and commenced, 'not by surveying,'
but by canvassing the County. This is an important point,
John; and surely you will agree with me, that if such
practices are to become prevalent, and to [receive] the
sanction of public approbation, the spirit of enterprise
will be quashed. But for the [benefit of] your County, John,
I have to inform you, that the proceedings of this
Opposition has not either the sanction or the approbation of
the people of Westmorland, as a body. Beyond the narrow
limits of his immediate Friends, his speculation is
[disappointed] because, John, it is an unfair one, and will
[ ] be viewed by the Profession at large,as a
[dishonour]able transaction, and which if he had the imp[ ]
to go into without due consideration, he had [also the]
opportunity of going out of without loss. [Now,] John, thus
I am circumstanced.
We will now consider you. You cannot say, John, that you
have confined yourself to the question that was submitted
for solution. If you had, you would have omitted your
reflections upon my Professional reputation. I do not
mention them as having [ ] any feeling with me, John, but as
a distinguishing characteristic of your disposition towards
me; and therefore, excepting you can shew that you [have in]
this case an interest to protect, John, or an [impar]tially
moral good to promote, you will inevitably attach to
yourself the character of a scurrilous old [ ] and that of
busying yourself with other people's affairs. Why should you
be out of temper with me, John? You see I am not singular in
my opinion. You are the only one out of four who answered
the question, that gave it against me!!! I will [just] cast
a glance at your mode of demonstration, John, and then bid
you good bye. You appear to [ ] that "after two weeks time
for consideration, I [should] continue to have so confused a
notion on so simple a question, as to say that a scale of an
inch to a mile and one of an inch and a third, should only
be a fourth part more." Now, John, you cannot [ ] upon it,
that I or any one else shall understand the above paragraph;
but I will be candid with you and say that I have some idea
of what you intend to imply, and will, therefore, inform you
that I have seen no reason for altering the opinion I have
already given, that Mr. Hodgson's scale, being one inch and
a third to a mile, is only larger, by one fourth, than ours,
which is an inch. Because, John, when we talk of thirds, we
must consider our inch scale as three-thirds, and another
third of an inch added makes four-thirds, or an inch and a
third which is Mr. Hodgson's scale. Then, John, I shall
insist upon it that the one scale is only larger than the
other by that fourth. Take it away, and they are equal. You
say, John, you are ashamed of entering publicly so minutely
into my assertion , [a] question you cannot call it. Pray,
John, why do you come thus blushing before the public?
[Would] you but confine yourself to your own business, you
might save both your confusion and your credit. I have no
doubt in my own mind, John, you [fancied] yourself correct,
and could not deny yourself, [what] you considered so
favourable an opportunity of [trying] for the Oracleship of
the County; but, John, you should have looked a little
closer before you leapt, and you would have avoided the
quagmire that must for a time obscure your fame. You have
tried your hand, John, at a school-boy's question, and you
did it valourously; but you missed your aim, John, and every
school-boy will point you out and laugh at you. Now, John,
let us go a little farther. You say, if one man walk three
miles and another four, does not the second person walk
one-third further than the first? I answer no, John,
excepting you can prove that one mile is a third of four.
Now, John, as you have been so good as to give yourself much
trouble in varying your illustrations to some familiar
transactions in life, that they may be more level with my
understanding, I will not be ungrateful or in arrear with
you in acts of kindness. Let us give up such learned
pretensions, John, and [bring] the matter home. Supposing
you put upon your table seven dumplings, each equal in size
and quantity, and you help your friend to three of them, and
eat the other four yourself, John. Would not the quantity
you had eaten, exceed that which you had given your friend,
by one-fourth of itself, or a seventh of the whole? And you
must not forget, John, that as your friend's original
position could only be presumed to have furnished one
quantity, in [that] quantity only could his proportion
exist. [Thus], John, you say if to twelvepence I add
fourpence [ ] I add one-third or one-fourth? You deal in
[all] sorts of articles, John, and I must tell you that [it]
is going quite out of the question. If you ask me by how
much sixteenpence is more than twelvepence, I shall say a
fourth. You ought to know, John, that we are treating on
positive quantities. All your following illustrations are so
vague a nature, and bear so little upon the question, that I
shall take the liberty, John, of not considering them
[entitled] to notice.
Now, John, in conclusion, you appear to have struggled hard
as to whether you should give up your name or 10s 6d.
Really, John, your's is a cheap name. - One might have three
for the price of one of your Friend's Maps. Ah! John
Swainson, [you had] better confine your correspondence to
No.8 Regent Street, where you will, at any rate, insure some
consideration for it. By the by, John, I happen to have a
little acquaintance with one of the parties there, and you
and I may be better acquainted - Why do you say you will
conclude your letter by advising me to write no more, when
you have already concluded it. You conclude your letter
twice, John, and then you set to work with a postscript,
directing all those to read the above, who cannot
distinguish between a third and a fourth part. This is
rather cunning of you, John, as you well know that said
ABOVE must have been read before this notice could have been
arrived at. Then, John, you have taken us all in.
C. GREENWOOD.
Kendal, King's Arms Inn, 4th Sept. 1823.
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