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Page 124:-
in that engine of shame, and then took his seat by the fire
as before. Aminadab having heard all his adversary's abuse
with great composure, returned to the house to take his
repast; but had scarcely entered when Parson Violin told him
he wanted to speak with him at the door. No sooner were they
got within sight of the stocks, than "Yonder," says he,
"friend Aminadab, is the vain piece of wood that offended
thee; yonder thou seest it is, and yonder it shall remain,
receiving just punishment until thou its judge thinkest
proper to release it." This humorous and unexpected
compliment softened Aminadab, who was in fact as jolly a
fellow as either of the others; he went instantly to the
wooden offender, released it, and restored it to its owner.
He then called for some ale, joined the two sons of the
church, and found no farther fault with a little
unmeaning noise.
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I happened once to be here at what they call a
Rush-bearing. This is an ancient annual custom,
formerly pretty universal here, but now generally disused,
and consisted of the following rural procession. About the
latter end of September, a number of young women and girls
(generally the whole parish,) go together, to the tops of
the hills, to gather rushes; these they carry to the church,
headed by one of the smartest girls in the company.
She who leads the procession is stiled the Queen, and
carries in her hand a large garland, and the rest usually
have nosegays. The Queen then goes and places her garland
upon the pulpit, where it remains till after the next
Sunday; the rest then strew their rushes upon the bottom of
the pews, and at the church-door they are met by a fiddler,
who plays before them to the public house, where the evening
is spent in all kinds of rustic merriment. The origin of
this custom seems to be to guard the people from suffering
from the damp and cold of the church, which is neither
flagged nor boarded.
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I now come to a story which of all others I wish to conceal;
yet it must be told, - must be read, - and (by Cumbrians at
least) not only read but understood. Yet, after all
this, it is no more than a pun, or rather three puns in one,
- harmless, - inoffensive. Yet I would advise those readers
who cannot relish a joke of every colour, forthwith
to take a pair of compasses, and by their help cut out a
paper, or papers, 7 1/4 inches long, and 4 inches broad,
viz. the exact dimensions of the ensuing paragraph,
which I measured for that purpose; lay their paper over it,
and then proceed with the book as if no such paragraph had
ever been written, - verbum sapienti.
At one of those rushbearings her Majesty was attended to her
own habitation by one of those blades who are called, (I
know not why,) fine gentlemen. - (Here I drop a
curtain for some months over my story, as I could say
nothing consistent with historic modesty of what passed in
the interim.) - Some time, however, (within nine months,)
her majesty's waste underwent a visible alteration, and as
the crime of manufacturing, (I mean without a licence,) an
human creature was held almost equal to the demolishing of
one, she was hurried before a neighbouring magistrate. The
justice, when he had heard the information, put on his
spectacles, (whether for inspection or not is a
question which perhaps none but his Worship could answer:)
"Well, wench," says he, elevating his eye-brows, and
throwing himself back in his judicial chair, - "Well, wench,
where were you got with child?" "At the Nick, Sur,"
replied the unfortunate fair one, with a low curtesy. The
justice first surveyed the girl attentively, - then looked
up, - then down, - then at the constable, - then at the
delinquent again. "Nick!" - says he to himself, - "Nick! why
I believe that is always the case." - "What do you say,
hussy? - Where is that?" " Between the wike and the
tail-end, Sur." - Gentle reader, make no comments on
this story till thou hast looked at the ninth plate.
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